Tips on How to Be a World-Class Comedian Like Me

So you watched a few stand-up specials on Netflix and consider yourself to be pretty well-versed on the art of comedy. What does Pete Davidson have that you don’t? If he can do it, why couldn’t you? You’re charismatic. You tell the best stories. No one can top your one story about that time your cousin, Bilal, made that one joke about women not being able to leave the house. Plus, extra props if you’re not a cis white dude. You’re probably going to kill it. Just in case, here are some tips to get you started

  1. Be funny. Self-explanatory. 
  2. Keep in mind that every time the audience doesn’t laugh, it’s their fault. They just can’t understand your genius.
  3. That said, every mistake you make is final and will be an extreme blow to your ego. You will not be able to come back from it. Internalize it.
  4. Make a deal with the devil to guarantee your success as a comedian. You might have to sacrifice a virgin, but it’ll probably be worth it.
  5. Make sure to milk your back story. Especially if you’re brown. Your immigrant background and that one anecdote about how people used to make fun of the smell of your lunch is super unique and no one has ever heard it before.
  6. Extra points if you include a joke about how your parents are disappointed you aren’t a doctor or lawyer. I’m pretty sure no one has ever done that before.
  7. Offend literally everyone and anyone you can. The best comedy is offensive. You’re going to be so edgy.
  8. No one cares who your idols are. You think you’re special because you watched Monty Python? Or because you can quote Eddy Murphy’s or John Mulaney’s specials? Literally nobody is interested.
  9. Mention the fact that you’re an aspiring comedian to everyone you know. It’s super sexy and everyone who tells you that you’ll make it probably means it.
  10. If you find yourself to be a victim of cancel culture, you’re probably doing something right. Everyone’s so sensitive these days. Humor is supposed to be pushing boundaries. You’re shattering them, buddy.

With these tips, you’re bound to succeed. Before you even know it, you too will come out with a Netflix special that probably no one’s going to watch.

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